I spread my fingers and stare and my hands. I watch them shake, and I am so tired they seem to bend and warp. 
I run my fingers through my hair as I absentmindedly think about dying it, and I notice how thin it is getting.
I wonder, if you turned aging into a feeling, would it be this moment?
I am being dramatic.  I am young.  I am still a drop of dew.
This week, I reached a landmark, I have officially lost 1/3 of my body weight, in seven months.I know that I am getting thin. I am teetering on the verge of dipping down to a double digit weight.  I have been told this would be a bad thing.  Sometimes, I look in the mirror, and try to see if I really am that skinny.  I don't see it.  I always look the same.  I looked the same last year and the same the year before.  The only thing that changes is the lip gloss.  I touch my thighs, they still feel fat.  Is this how eating disorders happen?  Someone knows they are losing weight but they can't see it. 
Sure, you watch the numbers drop drop drop, and the sizes shrinking again and again, you are like a baby, you buy clothing that you know won't fit in two weeks.  Having to keep buying pants that fit is the only way you really know you must be smaller.  It gets too expensive eventually, I have switched to dresses.  Those fit for a long time, weight up or weight down.
My doctor doesn't think I am mystery sick.  She thinks I am bulimic.   She thinks I am bulimic because I throw up everything I eat.  Even water.  And that would almost make me bulimic (technically you need to meet other criteria, but this is the big one), except that this is not self-induced. 
I am Marian, the Edible Woman.  If I made a cake in the shape of me and ate, would I be cured? I am almost ready to try.
It's not that I am a frightening size, with bones that poke out and make people cry when they hug me.  I do not have that skin stretched-tight-to-the-point-of-snapping skeleton look - waxy and long dead.  I am fine with how I look right now, although i only know that I look different by going back and seeing old photos of me.  Did I really look like that in September?  Weird.  But I am concerned, I am concerned because what if it doesn't stop?  It could stop now.  That would be nice.
I remember Josh being sick.  I watched him with the big round eyes of a child.  Everything larger than life, magnified, looming and nightmarish.   I watched the fat drain off of him.  He extended his arm, and let me pull on his elbow skin, his was extra stretchy, so much there that he used to need and didn't anymore.  I remember him sobbing as they tried to force him to at least eat jello, I remember watching him throw it all up on the table. 
Shortly after, he was in the hospital and he did not have to eat for himself anymore.  I asked him if he missed food.  He said he thought he probably did, but that he had no desire whatsoever to have any.  Doctors thought he was bulimic too. He had to ring a nurse whenever he wanted to use the bathroom, they kept him locked out of it.  They would come when called, and listen at the door.  Josh said sometimes he made fart noises on his arm, just to make it as awkward for the person listening as it was for him.  He was still a kid too, really.
I remember the Christmas that everyone thought would be his last, though no one said it.  I remember my dad carrying him to the armchair by the tree.  I moved presents out of the way on the floor, because I was scared that if dad tripped and dropped Josh, he would shatter.  I could see all of his bones, it was his breast bone that was the scariest, it heaved forward, showing through his shirt. 
When he was almost gone, he started to hallucinate.  He was terrified and scared.  He would scream and scream and he couldn't help but be angry.  It was a strange thing, being simultaneously scared of my big brother, and scared for him.  I sat at his bedside, drinking strawberry milkshakes not because I liked the taste but because I liked the colour. He commended me on having quirks like this, he said they were very precious. When the hallucinations waned he would talk to me about math and physics and what Margaret Atwood book I should read next.
I know that he lived.  I know that I have a better chance of being okay because Josh is how they learned to properly cure it.  But I am not brave like him... not the same way.  And I am terrified at thought of possibly having to go through even half of what he did. 

This made me cry

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Submitted by [this is connie].

Inigo_montoya

My cell phone bill came in a week ago, and I didn't open it right away.  I didn't open it because I have moved, and now all cellphone use is long distance and the bill has generally been astronomical.  Last night a masochistic feeling swept over me, and since I've given up cutting (mostly) I peeked at how much money was due.  When I regained consciousness, it became clear to me that it was time to do something about the phone.
I looked all over the Fido website and couldn't find a fucking thing about cancelling your service.  I figured that Rogers (who bought out Fido) would know how to cancel it though, especially since I wanted to switch service to them.  So bright eyed and bushy tailed I showed up at Rogers Wireless Centre four minutes after they opened this morning.  A man named Jordie helped me.  I asked him about the Rogers "My Five Canada Wide" plan.  He gave me the details.  It sounded like what I wanted.  Better actually.  So I told him I had a year left in my contract with Fido, and asked him if he knew how I should make the switch.  He told me that Rogers, although they own Fido, HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH FIDO, therefore I should sign the contract with him then go home, call fido, and cancel. Okay.  Sure.  I do it.
I get home, I call Fido's service number, 1-888-481-3436, and the automated voice was enough to make me want to shoot myself.  Never in my entire life have I heard numbers sound more obnoxious.  It is almost impossible to get that number to let you talk to a real person by the way.  In the end I lied and told it I was interested in signing up for a more expensive plan, suddenly it put me through to a Fido Rep, who was probably less then impressed when my first words were "yeah I want to cancel my service, that's my final decision I don't want to hear about what you can do to make it better" yes I was being frigid, but there phone line had wasted a half hour of my day (that is not an exaggeration).  Fido Rep #1, lets call him Bill, tries to get me to change my mind anyways, and I won't do it.  This goes on for quite sometime until finally I say "look I don't have all day, I just want you to cancel my service".  He punches a few numbers into a computer and says "hmm yes well that will cost you $400" FOUR HUNDRED DOLLARS? NO FUCKING WAY. I am calm.  I tell him that is absolutely unacceptable.  That I only have 11 monthes left in the stupid contract, and that any other company in the world would charge $20 per month for the remaining monthes. 
He says "Well if you had 10 monthes or less we would charge you 20/mth but you have 11 so it's $400"
"That is completely unacceptable"
"Should I charge you the $400 or are you going to continue your service with Fido?"
"Neither. Do you have a manager or someone higher up that I can talk? I'm not going to argue with you, and I'm not going to pay $400."
"Well ma'am you are going to have to pay $400, but I can transfer you to my manager who will explain the costs to you"
He transfers my call.  As soon as the hold music comes on, I start to say all of the things that I wanted to say to Bill. What a fucking asshole, tell me I'm going to pay you four hundred dollars? Yeah fucking right, you'd probably pocket it all and buy yourself a real nice hooker on the way home.
A word of advice.  Rogers reps can actually come back onto the phoneline before the hold music stops.  So don't do what I did.  Because both "Bill" and Bill's Manager caught the tail end of my comments involving a hooker. 
So Bill's Manager, Fido Rep #2, begins to talk to me.  I tell him, I have been with your company for over two years, I have never been late at paying, I have referred other people to you, I have been a lovely customer, but I am not, under any circumstance going to pay you that much money to cancel my contract a few monthes early.
The Manager kind of does this interesting choke/laugh blend, and says "No of course not Miss J... I am very sorry some of our service reps just want to get the call over with as fast as possible.  $400 is the maximum we can charge, but because of x, y and z, it would only cost you $180 to cancel"  Now, I am willing to pay this amount.  More than happy to actually.  But, I have a sneaking suspicion about the flexibility these companies can have if you act upset enough.  So I push it.  "Well, that is a much more reasonable fee, but I don't think I should be charged anything really, since I am switching to Rogers, which owns Fido... I've already signed a three year contract with Rogers"
Suddenly, I am told that if I want to go over to Rogers, all I have to do is switch my number over to Rogers, then there will be no cancellation fees, and then for a $10 fee I can have my number switched again from a southern number, to a number that would make calls up here local. This sounds fantastic. 
So I call Rogers.  They tell me that yes I can do this, but, I should drive back to the store, cancel my three year contract under "Buyers Remorse" and then switch the number, and then sign a new contract, then switch the number again.  It sounds dizzying, but I would save a lot of money.  Then I get a little bit clever, and call Rogers again, talk to a different rep, and tell them my Rogers cell phone number but say that I want to port in my Fido number.  Now I don't have to drive anywhere or cancel any contracts.  After she changes the number, I ask to speak to a Customer Service Consultant (these are the people to ask for by the way, whenever you are having trouble) and confirm that this will work, and Fido will waive the fee.  She tells me what I did is fine.  Then... since I'm on a roll... I ask her if it would be possible for Rogers to waive the $10 number change fee because my first experience with Rogers has been fairly negative, what with Jordie lying to me and all. And she says yes.
It took me well over two and a half hours to finish all these phonecalls.  And my phone still isn't entirely ready yet. 

However at the end of the day I paid:
$0 to end my contract
$0 to change my number
$0 to change my number again
$0 for my sim card (the one nice thing Jordie did for me)

So... lesson learned: when wireless companies are jerking you around, ask for managers and act pissed off.  Because you probably don't actually have to pay most of the fees they throw at you.

I yelled at my doctor today.  I feel like an ass now.

D made a comment about the baggage, or the weight, that our experiences force us to carry.  Mine are not heavy, I do not have to carry them, they do not press on my shoulders.  Instead they are balloons that float above my head, I feel like everyone can see them, and I keep reaching to pull them down towards me.  I want to burst them and hide the remains in my pockets.
Or else they are heavy footsteps, I can hear them thumping around on the floor above me,  I can hear them dragging couches and tables across the floor in the middle of the night.  I want them to be quiet.  I want to sleep.

Do you think you can be haunted by every scream you've ever swallowed?
Better out then in she said.

She screamed for me first.
Then we screamed together.

My cousin died in a car accident on Sunday afternoon. 
She was young.  She had her whole life ahead of her, and she was actually using her life.
People say that things happen for a reason.  Or that you should trust that this is for the best.
That's bullshit.
There is no reason for this, there is no possible way that this is what is best.
It isn't right.  It isn't fair. 
I just really wanted to say that.  That things don't happen for a reason. Because we are all suffocating in a sea of half assed expressions of why this is a good thing.  People should man-up and just come out and say "it isn't fucking fair", that is much nicer to hear.  I'm going to start my own condolence card business.  "In this time of loss, know that this did not happen for a reason."  and "Fate fucked up when it let this happen" and "You are right to be angry.  This is not right."

I got invited to a wedding.  This is nothing new, all I seem to do is get invited to weddings lately.  But this one has me a bit confused. 
It's a girl that I was very very close to when I was little (from about age three to age six).  Then we both moved.  We sort of tried to keep in touch at first.   But really, that's an awful lot of commitment for six year olds.  We haven't really spoken in fourteen years, sure we added each other on facebook but there was no magical reunion or anything.  No late night conversations catching up on all the we missed.
So now I have an invitation to her wedding.  I'm not going to go, the wedding is quite far away from me, and she is more or less a stranger now.  Sure i have some fond memories of her, but I know who she was, not who she is.  I just can't figure out if I should send a gift.  I don't understand why she invited me in the first place.  Is this one of those things where the person knows you won't come but invites you because they want a present? Or is it to be polite?
Weddings: Big fun.  Wedding etiquette: No fun.

It is beyond the middle of the night.  It is almost 5am.  I cannot sleep.
Late night / early morning is a bad time, it's when everything feels worse then it is. 
I feel like Esther, in the Bell Jar, laying down and watching the time move around the clock.
I will not do this again.  If I can't sleep tomorrow, I am giving up and taking seroquel again.

I am not finished my paper.  I am supposed to have it finished for tomorrow afternoon.  I have to work until about an hour before I have to have the paper ready to go.  It is not going to be finished.  I finished a different version of the paper, but then a suggestion was made that I was starting the wrong place, and now, nothing.  It's not even for lack of trying.  I have tried.  For hours I have tried.  But I can't write about this.  I don't know why.  I do know that this is going to be turned into a huge deal.  I know that it is going to blown out of proportion.  I know that I am doomed to spend the whole hour discussing "the significance of why it was such a challenge to write about this particular aspect".  And I don't want to talk about it.  Period.  For the first time there are some many things that I want to talk about, and I know that I am going to have to talk about this.  I even know that her response will be "sometimes it is most important to talk about the things you do not want to talk about."
So here I am, trying to throws words onto paper so that I don't get nailed for this.  It's my fault, I realize that.  There is very little comfort in knowing that you are the source of your own issue. 
Aside from this, I really did have a nice day.  I swear.  It was sunshine and daisy-chains all over the place.

On an unrelated note:
This used to be my favorite song, and I've recently (as in, over the last few hours) rediscovered why I love it so much.  I can't get it out of my head.  You should really download it or youtube it or buy the album or something.  It's brilliant. I wish I wrote it.

Angel cried last night; it was something in her dreams,
Carving pictures on her bedroom wall, she wonders what it means,
But gets by inside by saying it's not real,
There's no reason to confuse myself no matter what it seems.
Angel lied last night to amputate her fears,
With no question she exhumes herself from possibilities.
Close your eyes it's fine by saying it's not real,
There's no reason to forgive myself no matter what it seems.
And if I could grow some wings I'd fly away home...

-Angelic by Antimatter